zombieface_chan (zombieface_chan) wrote in canon_sues,

Praise the dog-kicking, baby-killing teenagers from Earth! They're our saviours!


I'm not quite sure if self-published authors/stories/Sues also count, but you might have heard of the infamous Gloria Tesch who is so god-damn absorbed by her own big ego and her wunnerful stories. And her two protagonists are such utter Sues, it's ridiculous. If these two are not welcome here, I'll delete the post, of course.
Oh, and I have not read the books, only the excerpt and sporks of them which can be found here. But there are also ones on ImpishIdea, video sporks on Youtube, and maybe even more. Everyone and their dog has made fun of these utter piles of claptrap, and I am next :D

Title of Work: The Maradonia™-Trilogy [sic], consisting of nine books, the first of which is called Maradonia™ and the Seven Bridges
Author: Gloria Tesch, The Worlds Youngest Novelist [sic], later on retconned to One Of The World's Youngest Novelist [sic]

Full Name, including titles: Maya and Joey Swanson.(Thanks, lonewolf_eburg!) The Maradonese call them the “Encouragers”, and Maya later gets Queen of Maradonia, whilst Joey becomes King of Tyronia.

Full Species: Human
Hair Colour: I don't think there is any written description, but according to the laughable illustrations done by Tesch's mommy, Maya has long, straight, light hair, whilst Joey's is short and dark.
Eye Colour: Dunno.
Unusual Markings/Colourations: Uh... none, really, but when Maya was born, her grandam held her up and said: “This is indeed a very serious child!”, which sounds like a reasonable thing to claim about an infant.
Special Possessions/Pets: A sentient grasshopper, whom Joey calls Hoppy, sentient unicorns which they handle like normal dumb horses. Also, they have Tarnkappes, which are mystical deus ex machina hats, and Joey also has the Key to the Underworld, which is an almighty weapon that incinerates everything you point it at. He uses it to randomly kill birds, set forests on fire, and basically everything a sensible, emotionally stable human being would do.
Annoying Sidekicks: Everyone and everything in the land of Maradonia not working for the Evil Empire (Yes, that's what the guys are calling themselves)

Annoying Origin: Oceanside, Florida. The map says “Oceniside”, though.
Annoying Way of Ruining the Story: They are the story, and they are the Encouragers from the prophecy and everybody loves and adores them and their pureness and incorruptibility, even though they are stupid and thoughtless, and, at times, downright sociopathic. For example, they recruit an army and let them starve and thirst and deny them rest for quite some time, and everywhere, dead and exhausted soldiers are falling over, whilst Joey walks through the camp eating and mocking the dead, because they were so weak. The people praise his wisdom for this deed, he gets the 300 strongest men. Also, Maya rescues a prince from certain death of poisoning, and his father believes he is dead and dies of grief, whilst Maya flew him to an island to get healed, and despite knowing about the king's sorrow, she didn't care to tell him that, oh, in fact, his son is alive. The king then dies and Maya becomes queen, but nobody is suspicious and, again, everyone praises and loves her.
Annoying Special Abilities: Joey is a pontifex which is Latin for “bridge-builder”, which means he can build bridges to other worlds, like, say, Maradonia. He also painted a well enough poster of a bridge for a school contest that the senator came personally to congratulate him and there was a banquet in his honour. Maya was an expert oil painter at age four, and her pictures have been shown in worldwide known art magazines. She is also a karate black belt (which she never shows but once, and in not a very karate-ish way), very beautiful, and supposedly has the IQ of a genius. She also is a “very spiritual person”, whichever that means. The two of them seem to share some sort of hive mind, since they are almost never apart, and always called “Maya and Joey”, as in “And then Maya and Joey saw the city, and both were very impressed” or “Maya and Joey thought this-and-that, but they didn't say it aloud”, and quite often, they even have the same dreams.
Miscellaneous Reasons The Sue Should Not Exist: The books rip off not only Narnia, but also the Bible (!!), they are full of typos and grammatical errors, and one should pity the trees that are killed for making the paper on which this crap is printed. The books are racist and generally everything bad, but unfortunately, the author doesn't hear our complaints “over the sound of how awesome I am”.
Redeeming Qualities: Absolutely nothing I could think of.

Small snippet of Sue Being Annoying: Just look at the sporkings. It's healthier.

Another semi-related thing: Come on, you guys :/ I'd really love this community to bloom again. It's not that hard, is it? There are plenty of Sues out there that just seem to wait to be ripped apart. If you don't find any, report one that's already been reported, it's been done before. Really, it's so sad that nobody seems to report Sues here anymore.

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